The rainbow never said
Oh no, I have too many colours
What will people think?
The rose never thought
I shouldn’t bloom today
What if I stink?
Why do you hold back?
The frog croaking after the rain
Or crickets chirping all night
Never turn their volume down.
Neither does a hoarse crow
Or a sweet nightingale
Fear the listener’s frown
Why do you hold back then?
Imagine if the sun thought one day
What if I’m too harsh and dry
Maybe I shouldn’t shine all my light
Or a star thought
There are so many others
Why should I shine so bright?
Why do you not shine your light?
Would you have lived
If you didn’t gasp for your first breath
Or cry for food like it’s the world’s end
Would you be who you are
If you closed yourself in a grey box
And decided not to be your own friend?
Why do you then dull your colours
Lower your voice and shrink your soul
Why do you hold back so much
Live like a fragment of the whole?
Rainbows
The evening before my surgery, as I sat at the foot of my bed, looking outside the hospital window - the gloomy, rainy weather reflected my state of mind. I was still depressed about having to get my ovaries removed, still not convinced about it. I wasn't even ready to sit on the correct side of the bed because I didn't want to see myself as a patient, so I casually sat at the other end from where I could look outside. My surgery was scheduled for next morning. It had all happened in the span of five days, from my scan to the result and then the decision to have the surgery. It had to be done immediately and I had no time to process it, no time to come to terms with it, no time to even look for an alternative.
So there I sat, trying to be "accept my fate" and then I noticed a rainbow. The rain had stopped, the sky was clearing up and there it was, a beautiful rainbow cutting across the greyness. I hadn't asked for any signs, but that was just the sign I needed. I instantly felt better and I smiled to Ady, "see, there's a rainbow!". At that moment I just felt that everything is going to be alright and that I am taken care of.
Sometimes we just need something bigger than all of us, just to make us feel better; and the rainbow was that sign from that something bigger, for me.
Sunshine
The source of all life, energy and warmth - I am thankful for a beautiful clear sky with the bright sun shining down on me. Sometimes when I sit outside to get some much needed Vitamin D for my bones, I can just imagine all that warm energy seeping deep into my bones and making me stronger from the core. I can imagine it getting rid of dark stagnation and giving a new and vibrant life to the room.
Sunshine is an instant mood lifter, especially during the unending grey, cloudy, gloomy days of monsoon. As Ady jokes that I am solar powered, I can definitely see some truth in it! :)
Rain
Every time it rains in Bangalore, my first thought is, "ah, the lakes are filling up". I have never been a big fan of rains, especially when I have to be outside. Since I don't get out of the house much these days, I don't get to see the problems that come with that. Although bad traffic jams and potholes are more of a city planning issue, so we can't really blame the rain for that.
On the positive side, I just love how trees and plants become so clean and bright and they even look happy in the monsoons. Even buildings and roads look sharp and shiny when the dirt is washed off. I love how lights from vehicles reflect on a shiny road when it rains and how much more cosy it feels to be indoors!
And every time it rains, I can just imagine the water table filling up just a little more, helping the environmental crisis just a tiny bit.
Sunset
A colour changing spectacle
The show begins at five
Best seats are all free
You can only look up
When it turns beautiful
Like the half sucked orange candy
That we held with sticky fingers
And said
See, just like the sun
Orange candy turns to raspberry
A blanket of haze awaiting
Slowly engulfing
The source of all life
And then just a faint sliver
Grey over pink
Blink
It’s still there
Blink
Is it?
Blink
Just grey.
Walking
I have been limping for the past eight months and a few days back, I was finally able to walk straight for a few minutes.
I have been a fast walker all my life; never had any patience to walk at a relaxed pace. In college, sometimes I would run from one class to another simply because I felt like. People would think I was always getting late, but I was just having fun running around the corridors and jumping off the stairs.
And here I was, with a diseased bone, limping slowly, and ever slower after my surgery. The day after my surgery I used a walker and slowly counted my steps - one, two, three... ... ...eight! Eight steps before I sat down to rest for the day. It felt like such a gift to be able to walk!
It has taken quite a bit of exercise to develop strength on my leg, but more than that, a whole lot of patience to get to this point. I have been dreaming of the time I will be able to walk properly, without pain, and hopefully soon I will. So I am thankful for this gift - something I never thought I would miss - of being able to walk.
Friends like these
The reunion finally happened and I would like to think that my illness served as a catalyst. The procrastination ended and they flew from all across the country and even outside, to spend a weekend together. The six of us, in the same room after nine years! Here's a bad caricature I made to remember the day.
Whether it is friends in Bangalore, or outside, I have been able to always count on them to be there through tough and happy times. I guess I'm blessed in this area too - to have so many dear friends in my life - these are just five of my many precious gems.
Newspaper elevation
If you ever feel like killing yourself out of frustration, try talking to my brother while he's reading the Sunday paper. For an hour or so, you cannot get his attention no matter what. He would recline on the bed, Vishnu style, and disappear into the newspaper, and if you are lucky, you might get a rare monosyllabic response from him.
But did I ever tell you that he is the most patient person I have ever known? I mean, he taught me Maths and Physics, so that really is the biggest test of patience anyone can give.
Anyway, when we were growing up, we used to get newspapers rolled up and tied with a black rubber band, thrown up four storeys by the superhuman expertise of the newspaper men. Once in a while, they would miss and the paper would land up in the downstairs neighbour's house. No big deal, if the neighbour is actually there. But our neighbours were out of town for almost the entire year, so we had to get creative.
We would tie a hanger at the end of a long rope and lower it into the downstairs balcony and then try to hook the rubber band with it. It would require some Zen-like concentration, and my brother has no shortage of that. Also, he really had to read the Sunday paper, so he was always up for the challenge.
Long, quiet minutes in the sun would pass as we would try to grasp the rubber band; and once done, slowly and carefully try to pull it up without dropping it. Once the newspaper was within arm's reach, the feeling of triumph was just so rewarding!
But the real challenge was when my brother "accidentally" threw my hairband downstairs and had to bring it back up. He created a weird contraption with a hanger, a clothespin and some rubber bands to act as a spring system. The Zen master of perseverance used some physics this time and caught the hairband in the clothespin contraption, once again proving himself to be the king of patience!
Mangoes!
I can't imagine any other fruit being called the king of fruits. Ok, I'm partial to it because it is my favourite, but seriously, who can resist this luscious, juicy piece of heaven? And then there are so many varieties, Safeda (known as Benganpalli here in Bangalore) that is best eaten cut in cubes, Langda and Chausa which are oh so fragrant, Alphonso, Zarda, Mallika - even the names sound so inviting!
Anyway, as I savour the last batch of mangoes of this season, I don't mind the little extra layer of fat I have added on my belly over the summer. Totally worth it!
Food
We've all been taught growing up not to waste food, for there are so many who don't have enough. And while wasting food does make me feel extremely uncomfortable and guilty, I have also learnt to appreciate what I have. I had gotten into the bad habit of eating my meals in front of the TV, especially after spending so much time at home with nothing to do. But since the past couple of months or so, I have stopped doing that. No TV, no phones, no screens while eating. Even if I am eating something that I don't like I sit quietly at the table and savour every bite. Food is what nourishes the body ( and sometimes the soul when it comes to desserts :) ) and it should get the respect it deserves.
Try doing that - try tasting every bite thoroughly, chewing it completely, feel the texture and then imagine it giving energy and nourishment to your body. Trust me, it will feel better than quickly gulping down a meal with eyes glues to your screen.
Wide awake
When you're an overthinker, your mind starts going full speed as soon as your body is at rest. And it's not worry or anxiety usually, but most of the time it is ideas and plans and lists of things I want to do - that makes me wide awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.
This is me - every night.
Medical science
For all its limitations, I still have to admit that I am alive because of modern medicine. It may not be holistic and it may do some harm while doing good, but when it comes to saving lives, nothing works faster than modern medicine. From 2015 till now, I have been through four surgeries, many cycles of chemotherapy and radiation, taken countless injections and pills and here I am, still living and breathing, four years after a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
Sure, things like Big Pharma and the fact that many natural medicines are kept restricted and out of reach of people do bother me. A lot. But without the amazing technological advancement and extreme precision of medical science, I can't imagine if I would have lasted this long. I do hope that the diagnostic ability of modern science and the benefits of holistic modes of treatment come together, but I need to stay alive till I find that perfection.
So for now, I'll just focus on the healing part of it and continue to live. Happily.
Family
What can I say, I feel extremely fortunate to have so much love in my life. I don't know if it is age, or going through some tough times together, but as time passes, I feel closer to the closest people in my life. They say you can choose you friends but not your family. If I were given a choice, I would choose the same set of people any day.
Some bad caricatures to express that, but everyday I feel so thankful for the presence of these amazing people in my life.
Today I am thankful for
As I was lying in my hospital bed recovering from my two surgeries, I had nothing to do but think while going in and out of sleep. My mind obviously drifted towards what I want to draw next, along with feeling thankful for being alive and fine. It’s funny how sometimes being in a horrible situation can eventually make you see the light, once the dust settles down.
So I thought of a little project - to think of things I am thankful for and draw them. I don't care if I can draw everyday or once a week, or whether I can come up with five things, or ten, or fifty before getting bored and abandoning the project.
I had been pressurising myself for drawing everyday, setting targets and deadlines - and this just ended up adding to my mental agony instead of making me happy. In this process of healing, I'm just going to draw what I feel like, when I feel like and not worry about making it pretty or perfect, not worry about where it goes. So here it goes.
One small win
One small win
Is all I need
To turn a downward spiral
Into an upward climb
One small win
Is all I need
To go from utter despair
To a quiet hope
One small win
Is all I need
To see a guiding light
Inside pitch darkness
One small win
Is all I need
To turn a “please help me”
To “thank you so much”
One small win
Is all I need
To gather my strength
And live my life again
Light
The lighthouse beacon
Standing tall and bright
Spreading that life beam
In all directions far and wide
The last ray of hope to a lost sailor
A joyous invitation to a new life
A safe shelter from the open storms
A welcome sight to tired eyes
Below the lighthouse lay an earthen lamp
Dimmed by the ships twinkling brightly
All it left was black soot on the wall
It flickered in the wind and blew out quietly.
Sadness
Sadness you sneaky little snake
Sliding up behind my shoulders
Unexpected, uninvited, unintended.
You surround me with your
Dark, dense smoke
Filling the air around me with
Hopelessness and despair
And then I can’t see ahead
So I try to look inside your smoke
Trying to understand why you’re here
Where you came from
Which old crevice of my mind.
And then I dig into the layers
Scratching the surface
Reopening old scabs
Wondering how did you get here
When all this while I was
Looking at rainbows
Bright skies and butterflies.
But the mystery remains
And the smoke gets darker
From the blackness of old wounds
And the murky thoughts now disturbed.
Maybe I should let sadness be
Just what it is
Let it run its course
For the clouds eventually part
And the snake moves on.
Wait it out
Sleep. Breathe. Love.
Tomorrow is another day.
Learning curve
When everything is going great, even the smallest speed bump feels like a major setback. But when life throws you down, you are forced to see the brighter side and live each moment as it comes. I am learning no live each moment fully and completely. Maybe that's one of the things I am supposed to learn from this.
Self care
It can be quite difficult to come to terms with the whole idea of "self care', especially when you've spent the last year and a half doing exactly that. I guess the biggest part of taking care of yourself is not the things you allow yourself to do or not do, but to do them without guilt, or a sense of panic that you're wasting your time. There's a lot more to learn and like they say that with every challenge there's a learning, I'm hoping I'll end up learning something from this challenge I'm currently facing.
New books!
There is something about the smell of new books and stationery that takes me right back to school days. I can boldly say that not many other smells compare to it. Our school used to reopen for the new session during the first or second week of April, the days leading to it were quite exciting. New books and notebooks, so neat and pristine, waiting to be dog eared over the course of the year. I would also get some of my brother's old books and I was quite lucky because he was so neat that his books looked like they had hardly been used.
We had to cover our books and notebooks with brown paper sheets, topped with another layer of clear plastic sheets. We would gather scissors and tapes, clear the space on the dining table and get started with an assembly line of sorts. When we were younger, our parents helped us with putting covers on the notebooks. I could never match up to how neat my dad's method was. I still am quite a lousy gift wrapper, a skill I still haven't inherited from him.
Sometimes we put sticker labels on the notebooks. There were all sorts of stickers available, colourful ones, decorated with cartoon characters or flowers, but I preferred plain ones, or even writing my name directly on the brown paper.
Of course, I loved this entire process, for the excitement of new books, the thrill of writing my name along with the name of a new class and yes, savouring the smells of fresh paper and stationery!