As I closed my eyes
And sat one day
I asked my mind
Why do you wander
Flying across the world
In a moment
Rustling up leaves of my thoughts
Sweeping me off my feet at times
Blowing up old dust
As you run helter-skelter?
My mind said
Would you rather
I sit still
Like a hot summer afternoon
In a cloudless day
Like a flat parched land
In a lifeless desert
Like a stone cold mountain
In the dead of winter?
I thought and I thought
As the mind skated behind
No, just be who you are
For without you
I would never go to the moon
Or float by the stars
Nor see the wonders of this world
With my eyes closed
Without you there is
No new song created
No lightning flash of idea
No wild laughter
From a silly fantasy
No deep dive conversation
That flows all night
Just be who you are
Dance around my head
And I'll watch you
With eyes half closed
A lopsided smile
And my feet
Firmly on the ground
Melancholy
Of course I will
Smile when we meet
Tap my feet to the beat
Laugh at your jokes out loud
And stare at that pretty cloud
Say how much I love this food
And you'll never know what's really my mood
But if you slow down and see
You might catch a glimpse of me
I stay up at night, wake up late
I let you win any silly debate
I’m slow as a sloth
Usually lost in thoughts
And when I tell you that I'm tired
It's not from my illness
But from this unstoppable mind
That doesn't know stillness
Oh yes, I’m happy to be here
But lately, it’s too easy to shed a tear
I know I’m going to get better soon
Till then I'll find comfort hiding in my cocoon.
Breathe
When in doubt,
Meditate
Breathe in breathe out
Empty your plate
The jumbles and tangles
Will iron out
But it will hurt
Without a doubt
Unwrinkle your brows
Relax that frown
And your burning heart
Will slowly cool down
They say you just have to
Let it go
But it's not easy
As much as you know
But if you must
Hold on to something
Let it be your present;
Your breathing
For whatever mess
You're going through
Your life breath
Is there with you
Just know all the time
That right now
In this moment
I am fine.
Wishlists
Daydreaming of things
to buy some day
places to go
movies to watch
books to read
Some day…
Some day
I’ll finally get
the courage to sing
the strength to run
the wisdom to teach
the wisdom to learn
Saving all those
pens and papers
crayons and paints
drawing on scrap
waiting for the day
when an artist I’ll become
Packing away those
pretty dresses
shiny shoes
and that special necklace
For what use are those
to my homebound
day to day
Daydreaming
Wishlisting
As time goes by
Lives go by
Blink of an eye
Some day…
Not good enough
She sang like a cat
Purring her songs softly
But she reached the land of nightingales
And quetly said “not good enough”
She looked like a parrotfish
Colourful and strong
But she swam with dolphins
And thought “not good enough”
She drew like a child
Vibrant and free
But she found herself next to Da Vinci
And knew she wasn’t good enough
She wrote like a drunk poet
Raw from the core and pure
But then she read a book
And wrote “not good enough”
They told her your biggest flaw
Is that you think you’re not good enough
And that is why you don’t love yourself
That is why you’re sick
But she said
Of course I love myself
Haven’t you ever loved something
that’s broken, damaged or not good enough?
Heal
Heal!
My body
My dear broken vehicle
Heal
For I am ready to ride again
Heal!
My untiring cells
Don’t fight each other
For I’m brave enough
To fight again
Heal!
My enchanting puzzle mind
Face your fears
For I am going to share
Your pain
Heal!
My spirit
My beautiful, perfect soul
For I promise
To love you again
Why do you hold back
The rainbow never said
Oh no, I have too many colours
What will people think?
The rose never thought
I shouldn’t bloom today
What if I stink?
Why do you hold back?
The frog croaking after the rain
Or crickets chirping all night
Never turn their volume down.
Neither does a hoarse crow
Or a sweet nightingale
Fear the listener’s frown
Why do you hold back then?
Imagine if the sun thought one day
What if I’m too harsh and dry
Maybe I shouldn’t shine all my light
Or a star thought
There are so many others
Why should I shine so bright?
Why do you not shine your light?
Would you have lived
If you didn’t gasp for your first breath
Or cry for food like it’s the world’s end
Would you be who you are
If you closed yourself in a grey box
And decided not to be your own friend?
Why do you then dull your colours
Lower your voice and shrink your soul
Why do you hold back so much
Live like a fragment of the whole?
Sunset
A colour changing spectacle
The show begins at five
Best seats are all free
You can only look up
When it turns beautiful
Like the half sucked orange candy
That we held with sticky fingers
And said
See, just like the sun
Orange candy turns to raspberry
A blanket of haze awaiting
Slowly engulfing
The source of all life
And then just a faint sliver
Grey over pink
Blink
It’s still there
Blink
Is it?
Blink
Just grey.
One small win
One small win
Is all I need
To turn a downward spiral
Into an upward climb
One small win
Is all I need
To go from utter despair
To a quiet hope
One small win
Is all I need
To see a guiding light
Inside pitch darkness
One small win
Is all I need
To turn a “please help me”
To “thank you so much”
One small win
Is all I need
To gather my strength
And live my life again
Light
The lighthouse beacon
Standing tall and bright
Spreading that life beam
In all directions far and wide
The last ray of hope to a lost sailor
A joyous invitation to a new life
A safe shelter from the open storms
A welcome sight to tired eyes
Below the lighthouse lay an earthen lamp
Dimmed by the ships twinkling brightly
All it left was black soot on the wall
It flickered in the wind and blew out quietly.
Sadness
Sadness you sneaky little snake
Sliding up behind my shoulders
Unexpected, uninvited, unintended.
You surround me with your
Dark, dense smoke
Filling the air around me with
Hopelessness and despair
And then I can’t see ahead
So I try to look inside your smoke
Trying to understand why you’re here
Where you came from
Which old crevice of my mind.
And then I dig into the layers
Scratching the surface
Reopening old scabs
Wondering how did you get here
When all this while I was
Looking at rainbows
Bright skies and butterflies.
But the mystery remains
And the smoke gets darker
From the blackness of old wounds
And the murky thoughts now disturbed.
Maybe I should let sadness be
Just what it is
Let it run its course
For the clouds eventually part
And the snake moves on.
Wait it out
Sleep. Breathe. Love.
Tomorrow is another day.
Fall
That last chance to make a presence felt
Before going off on a long dream
A final attempt to soar and shine
As the sharp winds clip your wings
Leaf by leaf
Like a candle that burns
Violent, grand, desperate
Just before it fades into smoke
And all that’s left are the dry, burnt out insides
And as the sky turns grey
You glow even brighter
From a blazing gold to a smouldering red
A glimmer of warmth in those fiery hues
Before the long night of winter
Envelops you in snow
Cold, quiet, complete.
My favourite time of the year
When the air starts to feel
Just a bit cold on the skin
Along with particles of a
mysterious energy bouncing all around
When there are no more puddles under your feet
Instead, fairy lights twinkle above you
When you know you’ve done
what you could have done
And it’s time to sit back and watch it unfold
A mix of optimism and closure
Of the next few dreams
and a wash of nostalgia
The colours of the sky deepen
Vivid pinks dance with flaming orange
And nights become darker
Quieter, yet livelier
As the year prepares to go to sleep
My soul becomes awake
The season of festivals is here.
Just some random things
Charger, lip balm and my house key
These things I always bring with me.
A notebook, for inspiration can strike at any place
Some crayons (of course) and a bag of glitter (just in case)
Strangely a torch, cells and a magnet
Some safety pins for my gaping placket
A spork and straws from that time I ate out
Band-aids – I’ll need them, without a doubt
Not one pencil but there’s a sharpener
And for my clumsy fingers a nail cutter
A handkerchief I never use
A lens to read the news
Pen drive and a measuring tape
Just some tools of the trade
Paper clips are always handy
And instead of change, here’s some candy
A toothbrush for last minute plans
Some bells for my fidgety hands
Buttons from an old shirt
Tea that tastes like dirt
An unsent letter
A beautiful feather
In all this clutter, and all this madness
Is a quiet world of my own little mess.