Anticipation

... not yet asleep.. in the middle of the night.. is it 1 or 2 am? The train stops at a random, small, almost empty station for just about enough time for me to smell the coal and have some thoughts emerge out of a just woken from half asleep state, blank mind... thoughts about what would things be like when I reach.. some anticipation, some imagination about tomorrow morning when I get there... I have the time and space to have those very subtle butterflies in my stomach, of happiness and anticipation; and the satisfaction that I am finally going there. Time to enjoy this solitary state, sharing my happy thoughts with myself, a half sleepy smile, momentary...

Who would get that in a short, cramped, heavy headed 2 hour flight.....?

Procrastination

When in doubt, make lists

time tables, plans

colour code the calendar

When in doubt, categorize

sit down to think

pause, take another break

When in doubt, have chai

talk about it, try to forget

watch a film, take a nap

When in doubt, sleep

bite your nails, wash your face

take a walk, some fresh air

When in doubt, write

call up home, friends

doodle, scribble, sketch, trace

When.

in.

doubt.

don't.

work.

About an hour....

Walking back from insti towards the room... random thoughts... looking at the guard and wondering how it feels to eat alone in silence everyday.. sudden smell of ink as I climb up the stairs.. a long forgotten smell... that I like.... momentary smile... a tiny bit of half broken nail of my thumb rubbing against my finger.... going to my friend's room instead of mine and chatting about glass blowing, suddenly remembering my birthday when I got upset about my friends bursting balloons and making noise and I ran to another room, sat with a box of marbles, picking them up one by one, against the yellow bulb light, staring into the world inside those marbles... lines and bubbles, something I can see but can't touch....fairytale places and parallel universe places (I didn't know this word back then) must be like this.....
A short haircut, feeling the fan breeze on my neck although my fingers sweat, legs crossed, numb, listening to Amelie soundtrack.....

Priorities.......?

Many religions
Many countries
Many notes of currency
Many things to buy
Many choices
Many people
Many places
Many heartbreaks
Many desires
Many plans
Many opinions

Few chances
Few cherished memories
Few great moments
Few friends
Few teachers
Few milestones
Few realizations

One Heart
One Mind
One Body
One Family
One Earth
One Life

That's how it is...

"That's how it is"; is the answer for everything. We accept things because "that's the way it works". What's the point in cribbing cos "that's the way it is".

Chaos just got over (the festival at IIM-A) and I just have too many things to complain about. Where do I start.... cribbing about the money minded management geeks or the screwed up judges or the fact that looks sell...

First of all, designers are not considered participants in the fashion show, models are. Consequently, we have to BUY passes worth Rs. 100, which is, by the way, a discounted rate for NID, to see OUR OWN creations on stage.

Out of 5 colleges, 4 are selected for the finals and one has to leave. Why single out just one? Have the organisers thought how that ONE college would feel about not making it after so much hard work, especially so, when the judgement is absolutely unfair according to the spectators? It's not talent and hard work, but just an outer appearance that sells. Who cares if it's all hollow? Looks good... sells.

Finals, ya ok, we win. Although our college is considered "a class apart" by whoever was witness, we have to share the first position with someone with a very materialistic way of thinking, who takes stuff off-the-rack and presents a funky collection that we cannot even connect with the philosophy of the theme. Yes, I will not keep it in my mind; I'll say it. We do find it insulting to share the same pedestal with someone we think is less deserving, but really, who cares, "you are first, you shouldn't complain..." Added to that, the management guys cleverly eat up the second prize money.. hello, when you have two people in the first place, you cancel out the second because you include that prize in the first. Very clever, I must say. Totally business minded. It is people like you who make great businessmen.

Finally, topping it all, it comes back to designers not being considered as participants. Yes, that means no participation certificates. So we slog for 3 weeks, day and night, leaving other more important academic stuff... and the pretty ones come, walk and take away the credit. That leaves me bitter.

And my dear friends tell me, "it's just a certificate, who cares..." but let me tell you, it's not about some A4 piece of thick paper with my name written on it, it is a tiny little representative of how life is and how it is going to be. It is looks that sell. It all comes down to the aesthetics of the human body, in an evolutionary sense.
You're tall, slim, pretty, people know you. You work for the tall, slim, pretty, who are you?
What makes me feel worse, is that I am a part of this mentality. I notice good looks and appreciate them. We, as a race, have evolved to a point that it is not physical beauty that is important for survival of the race. But what is going to change the way we think?

I will not learn. "life is not fair", people say. And I say the same. But there's a tiny little point in my heart that says, it is fair. That tiny little point seems to be vanishing far, far away. Am I growing up?

I cribbed about it for a day, slept over it and felt much better. But I had to write this. For myself. So that I don't forget what I felt. I am moving on leaving this stupid little "college days" incident behind. It is insignificant compared to what lies ahead. But thanks to this post, I will remember what the world wants to see.

Wishlist

Wishlist

If wishes were horses
beggars would be riders

I would go to a mountain
to gaze at the sky
And when the shower begins
Of the shooting stars
I'd recite back my list
Of little dreams and things to do
I'd wish for
a barrel full of beads
a shower of glitter
a fountain of ribbons
a vintage gramophone
with a million songs to sing along
a grand piano, antique chair
a Christmas tree
bamboo chimes
and a bunch of wildflowers next to my window
where I'd sit and smell my box of crayons...

14-1-2008 12:20 am chirag coffee maybe I saw a shooting star

Findings....

I have been delaying this cos I didn't want to start the New Year with this kind of a post.... This might sound depressing, but it's actually not, once you overcome the first, emotional level...
Don't get me wrong, my state of mind is actually pretty good right now.... :)

Some of the things I have learned at NID:

  • Confidence is something that does not come from within. First you fake it, act it out, then you get used to it being around, then it slowly gets internalized and you start believing it. Looking withing yourself is dangerous.
  • You are more screwed up than you know.
  • If you want to be happy today, don't delve into your past. Don't try to figure out why you are the way you are. Sometimes, rather, most times, it is better to leave things to the surface.
  • Your problem remains the same, only the context changes and the people you discuss them with change. Do not discuss the same problems with the same people every time; they'll get sick of them.
  • You don't learn what you expected to, or came here to learn; but you learn other things which may or may not be useful.
  • You don't "become" a designer. You just start to act like one.
  • Being depressed is the easiest and the most tempting thing.
  • You might think that you are not wasting time, but actually, you are.

Does anybody have answers for this one?

I sometimes don't understand this duality of how things work.
One theory is that if you want something bad enough and really strive for it, you eventually get it; or the universe conspires for you to get it or something like that.
And on the other hand, another theory says that don't expect, don't think about what you want so much and then things will happen for you. And I just don't understand which approach works.....

I know the book says work, but don't think about the results. But isn't it the result that we are working for? How do you separate yourself from your aim?

What differentiates a doodle from a painting... can the doodle ever be a masterpiece?

If you're not thin, you're fat


Changing Standards.. different places... You still conform. Wherever you go.

NID - a place so different from the "outside world" that you feel that here everyone is absolutely free to be whoever they want to be... But it can be the exact opposite of this here. We might be different from outside, but very similar to each other.

You are weird if you sleep on the same date you woke up, if your clothes are clean and your hair is perfect even at the end of the day... and we all conform.

Standards of thin... There is no in-between, no average. If you are not thin, you are fat, no matter what the world may think.

One thing I absolutely love about this place is that there are so many places to sit everywhere, platforms, concrete chairs, blocks, anything...; and what is even better, that we still sit on the ground around those places... anything goes...

You get so used to the "weirdness" here that you feel like an outsider to the outside world.....

The date is just a number

Ok, ok.. I know I've been away for quite a while.... Not that I didn't have anything to say (although the mind does become quite blank after the jury and the three weeks at home really blunts the thinking process...... but that's another story :)) but yes, sentences weren't forming and when they were, paragraphs weren't forming... So I'm trying to write a spontaneous post and see how it is.. :)

Was thinking I should update some stuff before end of the year.... That made me think... New year resolutions, procrastinations, planning... how we are influenced by numbers.... after all, Date is also just a number..... Why is it so important? Would I still be writing this post if I hadn't realized that it's December already and I haven't written since September.. (12-9=3.. wow big number)..? Can we really even imagine a life without numbers??? No numbers, no Maths, no logic, no grammar, no text...........!?

Anyway... another number.. 2:10 am.. time to sleep.. Yes, I surrender to numbers (as if I was trying to fight!)... Will try to put the pending posts by the end of the year... or at least will keep thinking about it! :)

The bead box

Different colours... big, small, round, square, shiny, dull, smooth, grainy... glass, plastic, wood, metal, earth...

Very few of them strung together... just randomly lying about.. sometimes shuffling, making that pretty noise...

Some strings, wires, hooks and screws to make jewellery... none complete yet.

Beads that are never still.. exchanging places, sometimes hidden below, sometimes on the surfaces, sometimes falling outside, sometimes I put them back in.

Beads separate, different, together in the box right now.

Cake

Sitting outside the rec room after drizzle 27-8-7 11:20pm Monsoon.... Chai.
Sounds
1 A constant, faint base note - the regular sound of water flowing down some pipe
2 Water trickling down at different places pit pat splat
3 Constant blaring of tv in the background, loud and heavy
4 Cricket
5 Feet of people passing by, crunch crunch crunchy
6 Some bird - high pitched, quite regular
7 Very pleasant, delicate, faint drops of water, garnish
8 And if I listen carefully, the sound of my own breathing.

Birdwatching :)

One of the best things about sitting in the library (apart from The Art of Looking Sideways) is that when you sit next to the window you get to stare at the lawn for as long as you want...

So, on one such afternoon....

Birds on the lawn; they are just like us; maybe us as kids, when our behaviour was unpretentious, directly reflective of what we were thinking.. Chasing after useless things... polythene, feather.... and when someone has it, they all fight for it. After a while, they give up and look for something else so the one who has it, now not getting any attention, loses interest in it.

So much like the way we are....

doodle mind

The doodle book
The doodle brain
The doodle mind
Twisting into noodle
Entangled and tied
Some open ends
Some lost strings
Appearing and disappearing
Knots, loops, ends
Doodle noodle spaghetti
Fruit salad
Word Salad
Twisting and tumbling knots
And some smooth strings...
Somewhat jumbled
Just let it be......

11-2-7 2:30pm nid