Ink-pen cleaning day and open memories

Ready for a bath

What did the Mad Hatter dr-ink?

This is what I learnt writing with.. the nib-pen. Still love writing with it.. dipping it into the ink bottle after every few words, getting the fingers dirty.. and the smell of ink... :)

...good old Chelpark.. :)

Some stuff from my childhood memories... the box of stationeries, the dymo label tape, my favourite clutch pencil... oh and ya, I want a vintage Beetle in that exact pink!

Last doodle in Notebook # 4

A natural inclination toward the melancholy..

Yellow light when it's raining outside.
Sepia.
Dreams.
Sleep.
Closing my eyes and spiraling down.
Bright, rich colours in a high contrast. Oil pastels.
Being by myself, stealing time for me.
Looking at the future with half closed eyes.
Silence.
Soundtracks.
Listening to the same list over and over and over again. Letting music influence me but not vice versa.
Chattering conversations with faraway stares. Thoughts take me somewhere.. and then suddenly, shut.
The restfulness of just getting into bed. The pain of being pulled away from sleep in the morning.
Staring at the mirror and then suddenly, not recognising myself.
Trying to bring back some of the childhood.
Idleness. Procrastination. Slow and gradual.
Stitch by stitch.
Pink.
Chocolate.
Movies.
The way it feels to write with an old fountain pen. The fresh smell of ink.
The texture of crayons.
The sound of a pencil, the way it feels when the lead cracks sometime, just for a few words..
The feeling of wanting to bite an eraser.
Cold chilly wind on my face when my body is warm under layers of sweaters.
Yet, the thought of being a cocoon for those precious eight dark hours is what makes me dance around the glittering lights all day.
Trying to push broken thoughts into sentences.
The Art of Looking Sideways. At the lawn.
Warm sunlight. The white cat, moody like me.
Cancer.
Lists. Making lists of lists.
Worrying. About I-don't-know-what.
Having to let go.
To go.

Can't

Yet another opportunity
I've pushed away from
One of the countless times
I’ve lost without starting
I just stand there and stare
At them
Singing… playing…
Effortlessly
Self contained and so secure
While I’ve suddenly become mute
And I try to find a reason
To get away from the music,
From the tears welling up in my eyes
I’m not original
But neither are they
Then why does my voice
Just die away?
I’m suddenly so small
Can’t bear the thought of music
So scared…
to hear my voice…
…breaking
Music is good for the soul, isn’t it?
Then why does it do this to me?
Bringing out the worst…
…fear and misery
Should I just take a vow of silence?
And quit trying to try
Quit thinking
That maybe this time
Will be different
And save myself from
The embarrassing ordeal
Just quit..
You gave me everything
Why couldn't you give me
just a little bit of courage
to hear my own voice
sing
?

The sea talks to you

Nemo :"The sea talks to you... you should listen to the sea...
Sometimes when you just sit near the sea, the sea talks to you.... and you can get a lot of answers...
You should talk to the sea...."
ME: uummm........... really......?

Yes, I am freaking out over climate change

I’ve been watching a series of documentaries on climate change and the environment and I thought maybe I should finally write about what I’ve been thinking for a really long time now.

Where do I start?

Everybody knows what the problem is, but I feel not many of actually realize how huge it is. That is why we are living the way we are when actually, it will take nothing less than a gigantic, worldwide revolution to stop the catastrophe we are facing.

I know that we are changing our habits in little ways, by switching off the lights when not in use, or using cloth bags instead of plastic ones whenever possible; but really, this is not enough. Not even close.

Everytime I buy a packet of milk, or use a plastic straw, I feel guilty. Everytime I take a slightly longer shower, I feel guilty. Everytime I switch on a 60 watt bulb instead of a tubelight, I feel guilty. But I still do it.

Guilt is not the answer and I know it.

But why is it that people like me are not changing?

It will be much easier if things will be forced on us. Why can’t our country invest a really large amount of money in setting up renewable sources of generating energy? Or impose laws and punishments regarding optimum use of resources?

That brings me to another point – that developing countries do not want to change their ways. I don’t understand how people can’t see that climate change is affecting EVERYONE without exception! It doesn’t matter who caused how much harm; it is too late for all that. What matters is that who can do the most in combating climate change.

From what I learnt in those documentaries is that one degree Celsius increase in the ocean surface temperature caused Katrina, a grade 5 hurricane. Just one degree. And a 4.2 degree rise is predicted within the next 100 years. One can only start to imagine how much worse it can get.

Rising temperatures are depleting forests, which in turn brings about more increase in temperature and it just goes on. Melting perma-frost increases emission of green house gases like methane, which increases the temperature, which melts more perma frost. It is all a chain reaction which has STARTED already!!

Yes, I AM panicking. And why shouldn’t I?

Whenever I speak to people about global warming and pollution, most of the times I hear, “ya, but what can I do? No one is going to listen to me” or “ya, but changing myself is not going to effect anything” or “everybody wastes resources, so why should I deprive myself?”

We all just pass on the responsibility to “everyone else”, but eventually it is the only one earth that we have, which is home to my own body which is the home of my soul, which is in danger and no one, except me, can save it.

Then why can’t we just change ourselves single mindedly?

I think I need to become more self disciplined in my ways and really, really train myself to make minimum use of resources, recycle more and waste less. And be strong, so that people around me have to accept me the way I am.

Change is hard work. And we have to do it. There is no other choice but to stop being scared little escapists about the whole dark future that lies ahead.

On the bright side, imagine how exciting it will be. The whole world, together, fighting for a cause, hoping, dreaming, changing… Everyone passionate about a better future and all of us finding a purpose in life. Isn’t that what we spend our entire lives looking for? A purpose?

Gulmohar trees



It might be unbearably hot here in Ahmedabad, but I love early summer for its gulmohar trees. The bright orange flowers and new green leaves against clear blue sky, sometimes white fluffy clouds... the breeze it not too hot yet, but the sun is bright. It starts during late March and lasts through May. Hot, bright and beautiful.

Makes me squint my eyes and smile every time I look up. :)

The Last bit

I tried not to think of the end

But here it is
Tried not to grow up
But I guess I did
I struggled, tried to hold on
Cling like the crab that I am
And saw the grains slip through my fingers
I kept my eyes closed
So my dreams wouldn't fly off into the light
But slowly...
I guess I woke up
Couldn't stop time
I wished, I hoped, even prayed
Tried to stay till the last bit
Tried not to lose the memories
But then who knows...
Time didn't stop
And neither could I
... So here I am...
NID, November 2008

Boredom

Can't say a word

My throat is numb from not speaking

Dragging along my feet

to the next snack

Looking through the TV

Headrush from getting up

and "that sinking feeling" as I lie...

Can't stay in, can't go out

I fear if I sleep I'll lose out on the day

lose out on... what...?

Out of ideas to kill time

It's now time that kills

No hunger, no pain

Just plain boredom

Switching channels

with every beat

Slow... like the passing minutes of the day

No sound of tick-tock

from the cell phone electronic clock

No idea which way the sun went

Scratching my cuticle

Nails already bitten

Thinking of the ambition

I'm losing sight of

....

Parallel

Taking one of the ways in the forked road.... opportunities lost, or sometimes simply given up..... makes me wonder how things would be in the other parallel universe...? What if someday, I face one of the other "me"'s... how would I feel? Are things better there or worse..? Pieces seem to somehow fit in retrospect, when I think of this life; but what if I get to see other possible ways my life would have moved.... would I become immensely dissatisfied or immensely thankful?

Probably if I were given a choice to pick from an infinite number of possible lives, I would still pick this one, not because it is the best possible, but because I've lived it.
No one knows how life would have been like if they had made some different choices, till they actually experience it, but how many of us would actually want to try out a different past / present?

The path to acceptance.....?

An amphibian living in murky waters... jumped up into the air momentarily, tasted the fresh dew on a leaf and splashed back in..
Is it going to spend its whole life in that water with the fading memory of that moment, or being an amphibian, going to jump outside again, and risk a whole new life that seemed unparalleled in beauty, yet the scariest ever imagined...?

Anticipation

... not yet asleep.. in the middle of the night.. is it 1 or 2 am? The train stops at a random, small, almost empty station for just about enough time for me to smell the coal and have some thoughts emerge out of a just woken from half asleep state, blank mind... thoughts about what would things be like when I reach.. some anticipation, some imagination about tomorrow morning when I get there... I have the time and space to have those very subtle butterflies in my stomach, of happiness and anticipation; and the satisfaction that I am finally going there. Time to enjoy this solitary state, sharing my happy thoughts with myself, a half sleepy smile, momentary...

Who would get that in a short, cramped, heavy headed 2 hour flight.....?

Procrastination

When in doubt, make lists

time tables, plans

colour code the calendar

When in doubt, categorize

sit down to think

pause, take another break

When in doubt, have chai

talk about it, try to forget

watch a film, take a nap

When in doubt, sleep

bite your nails, wash your face

take a walk, some fresh air

When in doubt, write

call up home, friends

doodle, scribble, sketch, trace

When.

in.

doubt.

don't.

work.

Priorities.......?

Many religions
Many countries
Many notes of currency
Many things to buy
Many choices
Many people
Many places
Many heartbreaks
Many desires
Many plans
Many opinions

Few chances
Few cherished memories
Few great moments
Few friends
Few teachers
Few milestones
Few realizations

One Heart
One Mind
One Body
One Family
One Earth
One Life

Wishlist

Wishlist

If wishes were horses
beggars would be riders

I would go to a mountain
to gaze at the sky
And when the shower begins
Of the shooting stars
I'd recite back my list
Of little dreams and things to do
I'd wish for
a barrel full of beads
a shower of glitter
a fountain of ribbons
a vintage gramophone
with a million songs to sing along
a grand piano, antique chair
a Christmas tree
bamboo chimes
and a bunch of wildflowers next to my window
where I'd sit and smell my box of crayons...

14-1-2008 12:20 am chirag coffee maybe I saw a shooting star