Uurghh

Don't you have one of those days when you wake up in the morning just knowing that you're going to have a bad day...?

Learning to draw



Trying out illustrations from old editions of the children's magazine - Misha. Original illustrations by Igor Deilnikov.

The Last bit

I tried not to think of the end

But here it is
Tried not to grow up
But I guess I did
I struggled, tried to hold on
Cling like the crab that I am
And saw the grains slip through my fingers
I kept my eyes closed
So my dreams wouldn't fly off into the light
But slowly...
I guess I woke up
Couldn't stop time
I wished, I hoped, even prayed
Tried to stay till the last bit
Tried not to lose the memories
But then who knows...
Time didn't stop
And neither could I
... So here I am...
NID, November 2008

Mini blogs

Facebook status messages are like mini blogs. Micro-mini blogs rather. They tell you in one sentence what's going on....
I started thinking about future status messages almost a month in advance... Some of them were..
Shivani is "away from the land of the hissing s'es"
Shivani is "not going to be Ugly Betty in the Devil wears Prada anymore"
My favourite is this one... "... so long and thanks for all the fish"

I still prefer blogging though.. Facebook status messages are good enough for the transient phases like these.... Who knows, I might just end up going back. Hmmm...

Anyway, when you've got more to write, you should write.. Huh!

Note to myself: Should stop saving drafts and start posting instead.

I need a thought recorder. I can't write all the time and I can't write when the moment has gone. I don't feel like.
Hmmm...

Boredom

Can't say a word

My throat is numb from not speaking

Dragging along my feet

to the next snack

Looking through the TV

Headrush from getting up

and "that sinking feeling" as I lie...

Can't stay in, can't go out

I fear if I sleep I'll lose out on the day

lose out on... what...?

Out of ideas to kill time

It's now time that kills

No hunger, no pain

Just plain boredom

Switching channels

with every beat

Slow... like the passing minutes of the day

No sound of tick-tock

from the cell phone electronic clock

No idea which way the sun went

Scratching my cuticle

Nails already bitten

Thinking of the ambition

I'm losing sight of

....

Volunteering

Saw this notice about volunteering... wondering why is it that people volunteer?

Is it because they can so closely relate to the ones they are helping... they have a lot in common, probably common experiences, situations etc...
Is it out of some guilt of earning too much which brings about an awareness of the inequality around?
Is it because of the need to do something worthwhile, being aware of our own meaningless existence?
Is it because we need a hobby or something more than everyday life and this may seem fulfilling?
Is it because the society has made us this way in a struggle to move closer to equality?

Planning to volunteer at a Classical Music Concert this weekend :)

(More than)10 things I hate about weddings

(In no particular order)

Having to dress up in a way that makes your parents look good.. You know what I mean? Basically, pretty clothes that make you look like an out of place underage aunty who wears the "latest fashion".... oh ya, and with delicate little pieces of jewellery....... why?? why me??? And since most weddings happen in the chilliest weather, your skin gets a permanent goose bumpy texture.. You know, the sweater / shawl won't look nice.... So basically add the anti-cold medicine cost to the going-to-the-wedding cost.
And if you see what kids have to wear, it is even more sad. 6 year old girls dressed up as item number babes, oh and their parents feel so proud.

Hired video camera people, with bright lights flashing in your eyes. They tell you to look at the camera while doing anything, so the piece of mithai might go into the eye instead of the mouth, doesn't matter, just smiiiiillleeee.... oh, once more, can you please take out the mithai ka piece and eat it again.. theek pose nahi aaya... All world’s a stage and the photographer is the director….

Huge obnoxious cellophane covered fruit baskets. Most of them are going to get rotten before somebody remembers that there is something other than mithai to be eaten. What's the point of gifting fruits? Actually, what's the point of gifting?? The gifts are such an evil on which so much can be written about… Ugly, super- expensive gold jewellery that you would never want to wear, over embellished saris that you wonder who to pass on to, crockery, appliances.. basically anything that is useless and costs money… Ever seen any of those invitation cards that say “please don’t bring gifts” (only cash)…?

Oh, one of the most disgusting things. The "noto ki mala" eeeeewwww... the sickest thing ever!!! Currency stapled on golden necklace kind of thing which the guy wears so the parents can say "ooooo we r so prosperous". Sick. Sick!! Why don't you just wear a gold biscuit around your neck? Or better, your credit card!

The baraat... oh.. the big bad baraat.... (you know, the shadi-ghodi-band routine, and ya, generator on a small truck with wires marking the territory you are supposed to move within)Being forced to "dance"... Excuse me, if I don't want to dance and you force me, I'll look like a disoriented robot doing the repetitive fake-smile-and-clap routine.... Pleeeeassee spare me!

Ok, so there you are, in your uncomfortable, almost high heels, trying to walk as gracefully as you can on the broken road, avoiding the dusty footpath and potholes, feeling overdressed, wearing make up, when you see, people who are having one of the "regular" days walk by, you know, people returning from markets, or from work, or whatever, glancing at the arbitness move by, and then you have those poor kids holding really heavy and hot tubelights on their shoulders and you feel terribly guilty about being "prosperous"... And what about the poor horse... She must be going crazy among the high decibel noise and the bright camera flash in the eyes all the time. Imagine if you were in that animal's place; and you are still used to human "civilization".
Ok, so you reach the place and wait another half an hour to get in... u know, the band guys want to make a little more money towards the end so they make them dance till you are about to lose your patience and actually barge in; and then you are welcomed by strangers with garlands etc..
You go inside and you hear blaring himesh reshamiya or something similar and obnoxious on a temporary set up "dance floor". Multicoloured lights, "DJ", kids and aunties enjoying themselves...Have you come to a wedding or a disco??
Ok, past that, you look for cold drink / soup / snack / anything to keep you occupied.... Dinner is amazing, I don't have a problem with the oil, in fact I love the red oil floating on top of the dishes... And by the time you finish dinner (overstuff yourself, actually) you are dying to go home and sleep.
The wedding, as usual, will happen in the most insane hours, or as known as "taaro ki chaon main".. You either have to go home or sleep off there only (you don't want to be seen yawning throughout the video).

So it's basically, getting overdecorated but underdressed (considering the winter), getting irritated, really bored, eating too much and dozing off. You were invited to a wedding, right?

...

Nicknames given between 1983 and 2003
puttu
Nicknames given between 2003 and 2006
shivi
Nicknames given between 2006 and 2008
shiv
shiva
shibbo
stevehoney, stevie
tivani, tiv
bartan

hmmm.... looking forward to the trip... :)

Parallel

Taking one of the ways in the forked road.... opportunities lost, or sometimes simply given up..... makes me wonder how things would be in the other parallel universe...? What if someday, I face one of the other "me"'s... how would I feel? Are things better there or worse..? Pieces seem to somehow fit in retrospect, when I think of this life; but what if I get to see other possible ways my life would have moved.... would I become immensely dissatisfied or immensely thankful?

Probably if I were given a choice to pick from an infinite number of possible lives, I would still pick this one, not because it is the best possible, but because I've lived it.
No one knows how life would have been like if they had made some different choices, till they actually experience it, but how many of us would actually want to try out a different past / present?

The big silver number

The significance of being 25:
You are no more in the young, 18-25 age group; well almost... well, you don't feel like it. So step on to the next one - 25 to 35 - working, young professions, probably married, income (whatever), blah blah blah...
Ok these are the "marketing" terms... what else...
You feel too mature for the "18-25" and too young (not so wise) for the "25-35" age groups.

You actually start thinking (worrying) about your skin... wrinkles are a very close reality. Losing weight becomes even more difficult; you put on one kg from one piece of chocolate, so eventually you kinda start accepting it.
This is the prettiest you can be. Ever. You don't get any more good looking than this. So if you think you are not that great looking, well, then this is it.

Money becomes important, you might still be afraid to think about the future, so you think about money, instead. Career? hmmm.....

You start thinking of ways to keep in touch with your friends who will eventually get married hoping things won't change too much. They would. You know it.

You hope time slows down till you have to settle down. Well, you hope time generally slows down... And since the past (college days etc) is a fading memory of a different you and the future is uncertain as usual, you struggle to hold one in each hand but probably moving in some random, maybe diagonal direction. Well..... acceptance is something that settles in like some sand in water, some disturbance initially, and leaves it changed for good.

Sigh....

The path to acceptance.....?

An amphibian living in murky waters... jumped up into the air momentarily, tasted the fresh dew on a leaf and splashed back in..
Is it going to spend its whole life in that water with the fading memory of that moment, or being an amphibian, going to jump outside again, and risk a whole new life that seemed unparalleled in beauty, yet the scariest ever imagined...?